MOVIE REVIEW: Jackass 3D

JACKASS 3D-- 2 STARS

Why do people get a kick out of watching either extremely gross things or extremely painful things happen to other people?  It's because outside people take either one of two paths (or possibly both):  Outside people either 1) put themselves in the victim or performer's shoes and gauge their own reactions and/or courage to handle what they are experiencing, or 2) they are glad it's not them and are stunned to see something not normal.  Call it a civil war between self preservation and the human nature of curiosity.

Before Jackass hit MTV in 2000, real-life gags used to be cute and must-watch television, like Candid Camera, Kids Say the Darnedest Things with Bill Cosby, or the long-running and still-going ABC hit America's Funniest Home Videos (now just shortened to AFV).  Cable channels like Spike and G4 probably wouldn't exist without extreme home video or stunt shows.  However, the rise of the internet has created access to the wild, instantaneous success and random nature of the uncensored "viral video."  Websites like eBaum's world, Funny or Die, College Humor, and, of course, YouTube have created a phenomenon and a whole new way to watch the extreme.  The television end is still going strong by evidence of internet clip review showTosh.0 becoming the most-watched regular program on Comedy Central this past year, exceeding The Colbert Report and The Daily Show.  Even Discovery Channel's Mythbusters owes some credit to the random video achievement of others.

Shock value sells.  It always does.  Dane Cook was right when he talked about even simple car crashes in an old stand-up routine.  We can't take our eyes off of something like that.  We are even drawn to it in some way.  For those ways and reasons, the new Jackass 3D is irresistible.  Those that are drawn to it will be endlessly entertained.  Those that are appalled by it still won't be able to look away, even if they want to, because of its "how did they do that?" factor.

Ladies and gentleman, Jackass 3D is completely plot-less.  At it's heart, it's always been a documentary about shenanigans, led by Johnny Knoxville, Bam Magera, Steve-O, Wee Man, and a cast of crazy people.  There are no lofty descriptions, plot twists, dissertations, or allegories to speak on.  This review and this movie is all about the lessons of what is amazing or what not to do:

LESSON #1: THE MALE GENITALIA IS FRAGILE AND SHOULD BE PROTECTED AT ALL TIMES-- Athletic supporters and cups don't make you a wuss.  They make you smart.  Yet, at the same time....

LESSON #2 THE MALE GENITALIA IS A STRONGER APPENDAGE THAN WE FULLY REALIZE--  ...you may never look at golf ball or a remote control helicopter the same again.

LESSON #3: MISDIRECTION IS A POWERFUL TOOL OF SURPRISE-- "Hey dude, high five!"

LESSON #4: IT TAKES A TOUGH PERSON TO HANDLE EXCREMENT AND FECAL MATERIAL-- No one on this planet can do it like Steve-O can.

LESSON #5: MINNESOTA VIKING DEFENSIVE END JARED ALLEN MAY BE A MULLET-WEARING REDNECK, BUT HE IS A BEAST-- Now we know how NFL quarterbacks feel.  His kicker friend Josh Brown of the St. Louis Rams and his right leg can sure pack a punch of his own as well.

LESSON #6: TASERS, CATTLE PRODS, AND PAINTBALL GUNS ARE NON-LETHAL INSTRUMENTS AND TOOLS, BUT STILL HURT--  "Subdue" is only the beginning of their power.

LESSON #7: JET ENGINES HAVE THE POWER TO LAUNCH OTHER THINGS, NOT JUST THEMSELVES-- Catch!

LESSON #8: NEARLY 35 YEARS LATER, "ROCKY" CONTINUES TO BE AN INSPIRATIONAL MOVIE-- This is also matched to Lesson #3.

LESSON #9: CONQUERING ONE'S PHOBIA IS A LIFE-AFFIRMING STEP IN ONE'S LIFE-- Awwww.... LOL!

LESSON #10: SUPER GLUE IS STRONG, BUT BEATABLE LIKE A STUCK-ON BAND-AID--  Still, keep your acetone nail polish remover handy.

LESSON #11: MIDGETS MAY BE SNEAKY, BUT THEY ARE STILL PEOPLE TO AND CAN PERFORM THE JOBS OF REGULAR PEOPLE-- Wee Man will become your personal hero.

LESSON #12: AFRICANIZED BEES DO NOT LIKE BEING DISTURBED-- A bee hive is a not a tetherball.

LESSON #13: A LAMBORGHINI CAN GO FROM ZERO-TO-TOOTH-PULL FASTER THAN THEY GET TO 60MPH-- Check Car and Driver.  The stats are in there.

LESSON #14: ELDERLY PEOPLE HAVE THE ULTIMATE TRUSTWORTHY COVER--  They can get away with anything!

LESSON #15: FARM ANIMALS WITH HOOVES MAY BE SWEET-NATURED HERBIVORES, BUT I SWEAR THEY SMELL BLOOD TOO--  Just look at the picture that comes with this review.

LESSON #16: VOMIT MAY RELIEVE YOU, BUT IT IS CONTAGIOUS TO OTHERS-- Those poor cameramen...

LESSON #17: SHOCK VALUE SELLS-- The movie just made over $50 million in it's opening weekend, nearly doubling both of its predecessors, setting an all-time October record.

LESSON #18: PORT-O-JOHNS ARE DANGEROUS PLACES, AND NOT JUST FOR THE GERMS PRESENT-- They might as well be plastic cages and cells.

LESSON #19: BEWARE THAT SUCCESSFUL PRANKS CAUSE RETALIATION AND ESCALATION-- You couldn't pay me to be a visitor or employee on the set of this movie.

LESSON #20: WHEN THE CAT IS AWAY THE MICE WILL PLAY-- You really have to question how we supervise and watch for things in the general public.  Where's the adult or police supervision, huh?!

LESSON #21: THE HUMAN BODY HAS A HIGH TOLERANCE AND THRESHOLD FOR PAIN--  Pass the ice packs!

LESSON #22: EVERYTHING LOOKS BETTER IN SLOW-MOTION-- It is a camera effect, whether it's in sports or otherwise, that is effective and never gets old.

LESSON #23:  PEER PRESSURE IS A POWERFUL MOTIVATOR-- These guys are merciless to each other, yet at the same time...

LESSON #24: THE BONDS OF FRIENDSHIP-- ...like it or not, these guys stick together, encourage, and support each other.

LESSON #25:  LEAVE THE STUNTS TO THE PROFESSIONALS-- Sure, they may not be professionals at much, but, just like their own usual warning, they know and accept what they are doing.  They even practice these gags to get them right.  Danger is not worth copycating, just to be cool.